🧠 What Are the Four Horsemen?

The “Four Horsemen” is a concept from Dr John Gottman and colleagues, describing four common communication patterns that can damage relationships over time:

1. Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character rather than discussing a specific behaviour.
2. Defensiveness – Denying responsibility, making excuses, or blaming your partner.
3. Contempt – Speaking with disrespect, sarcasm, or eye-rolling — often from a place of superiority.
4. Stonewalling – Withdrawing or shutting down emotionally during conflict.

🧩 Why This Matters

Gottman’s research showed that couples who regularly fall into these patterns are much more likely to separate. On the other hand, healthy couples maintain a high ratio of positive to negative interactions, even during disagreements.

💡 How Therapy Can Help

Couples therapy — especially using the Gottman Method — helps people:

• Recognise harmful patterns early
• Learn new communication tools
• Rebuild trust and connection
• Strengthen emotional safety

✅ Tips for Change

• Criticism → Use “I” statements (e.g. “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”)
• Defensiveness → Take some responsibility, even if it feels small
• Contempt → Focus on expressing appreciation and respect
• Stonewalling → Take a short break to self-soothe, then return to the conversation

🌱 Gestalt Therapy Methods That Support Relationship Repair

Gestalt therapy focuses on increasing awareness, presence, and responsibility in the here and now — all of which support deeper connection in relationships. Here are some useful Gestalt approaches for couples:

• Present-Centred Dialogue – Encourages speaking from direct experience (“I feel…”) rather than blame or analysis.
• Awareness of Body Language – Noticing tension, gestures, and breathing patterns that may reflect emotional states.
• Experimentation – Trying out new ways of relating or expressing in the session, such as switching roles or using creative expression.
• The Empty Chair Technique – A way to explore unspoken feelings toward a partner or situation in a safe, guided way.
• Exploring Polarities – Looking at inner conflicts (e.g. part of me wants to stay connected, part of me wants to shut down) to better understand relationship dynamics.
• Contact and Withdrawal Awareness – Understanding how each person moves in and out of connection, and what interrupts intimacy.

Bringing Gestalt principles into couples work can help each partner build self-awareness, take ownership of their patterns, and move towards more honest, compassionate connection.

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