9 June 2025
Dr John Gottman
🧠 What Are the Four Horsemen?
The “Four Horsemen” is a concept from Dr John Gottman and colleagues, describing four common communication patterns that can damage relationships over time:
Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character rather than discussing a specific behaviour.
Defensiveness – Denying responsibility, making excuses, or blaming your partner.
Contempt – Speaking with disrespect, sarcasm, or eye-rolling — often from a place of superiority.
Stonewalling – Withdrawing or shutting down emotionally during conflict.
🧩 Why This Matters
Gottman’s research showed that couples who regularly fall into these patterns are much more likely to separate. On the other hand, healthy couples maintain a high ratio of positive to negative interactions, even during disagreements.
💡 How Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy — especially using the Gottman Method — helps people:
Recognise harmful patterns early
Learn new communication tools
Rebuild trust and connection
Strengthen emotional safety
✅ Tips for Change
Criticism → Use “I” statements (e.g. “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”)
Defensiveness → Take some responsibility, even if it feels small
Contempt → Focus on expressing appreciation and respect
Stonewalling → Take a short break to self-soothe, then return to the conversation
🌱 Gestalt Therapy Methods That Support Relationship Repair
Gestalt therapy focuses on increasing awareness, presence, and responsibility in the here and now — all of which support deeper connection in relationships. Here are some useful Gestalt approaches for couples:
Present-Centred Dialogue – Encourages speaking from direct experience (“I feel…”) rather than blame or analysis.
Awareness of Body Language – Noticing tension, gestures, and breathing patterns that may reflect emotional states.
Experimentation – Trying out new ways of relating or expressing in the session, such as switching roles or using creative expression.
The Empty Chair Technique – A way to explore unspoken feelings toward a partner or situation in a safe, guided way.
Exploring Polarities – Looking at inner conflicts (e.g. part of me wants to stay connected, part of me wants to shut down) to better understand relationship dynamics.
Contact and Withdrawal Awareness – Understanding how each person moves in and out of connection, and what interrupts intimacy.
Bringing Gestalt principles into couples work can help each partner build self-awareness, take ownership of their patterns, and move towards more honest, compassionate connection.