Why trying to fix yourself can keep you stuck
By Cath Sully, psychotherapist and counsellor at Terra Soul Therapies in Albion, Brisbane.
“The unexamined life is not worth living,” Socrates says in Plato’s Apology.
Bit harsh, Socrates. But it gets me thinking. I can spend a whole drive home wondering what someone meant by a look or a comment and barely ask myself how I felt sitting across from them.
Self-awareness starts with noticing what’s happening in you. What did you feel? What did you want to say? What did you do instead? Those questions can tell you more about why you feel stuck than another evening spent working out what you should have done better.
Why do I feel stuck even though I’m working on myself?
Trying to fix yourself can keep you stuck when all your effort goes into controlling your reaction. You might get better at hiding that you’re hurt while the situation that hurts you keeps happening.
Say a friend makes a joke at your expense. You laugh along, then tell yourself you’re too sensitive. Once you’ve decided that sensitivity is the problem, it’s easy to miss a question worth asking. What actually hurt?
Maybe you’d already asked them to stop. Maybe it touched on something you feel embarrassed about. Each answer gives you a different way to respond. You might bring it up with your friend, or you might give yourself a moment to admit how much it bothered you.
Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns?
Attachment patterns are familiar ways we respond when closeness or reassurance feels uncertain. A response can bring relief in the moment and still keep the same problem going.
Someone you care about goes quiet. You replay the conversation, look for what you did wrong and send another message. They reply warmly and your shoulders drop. Next time they go quiet, you reach for the phone again. You remember how good it felt to hear back.
You can also be attached to the hope that things will change if you get it right. If you find the right words, ask for a little less or give it more time, maybe they’ll finally meet you halfway. You can spend a long time working on yourself while waiting for someone else to show up differently.
A question I find useful is What am I hoping will happen if I keep doing this? You might discover you want reassurance, consistency or a clear answer about where you stand. Once you can name it, you can ask how often it’s actually available in the relationship.
Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries or rest?
We can get attached to being the reliable one, the easygoing one or the person who always copes. Stepping out of that role can feel uncomfortable, even when you need a break.
You tell your sister you can’t help on Saturday. Then you spend the afternoon thinking about whether she sounded disappointed. You send another text offering to help after all. The guilt eases. By Saturday, you’re exhausted and resentful.
The same thing can happen when you sit down to rest. You remember the washing, get up and immediately feel better. If being useful is how you reassure yourself you’re pulling your weight, there’ll always be one more job between you and your cup of tea.
Try asking, What am I afraid it says about me if I stop or say no? You might hear a rule you’ve been following for years, like “A good sister makes it work.” Would you expect her to follow that same rule?
Why do I still repeat patterns I already understand?
You can know you tend to people please and still hear yourself say yes before the other person has finished asking. Understanding the pattern afterwards helps you make sense of it. Noticing it as it happens gives you a chance to respond differently.
At first, you might only catch it on the drive home. Another time, you hear yourself halfway through saying, “Whatever works for you.” Eventually, you notice the urge to agree and give yourself time to say, “Let me check and get back to you.”
Self-awareness also helps you notice what you enjoy, who you feel at ease with and when you speak freely. Those moments tell you something about the life you want to make room for.
Can counselling in Brisbane help with self-criticism and attachment patterns?
Counselling and psychotherapy can give you space to explore people pleasing, relationship anxiety, difficulty setting boundaries and the patterns you keep finding yourself in. At Terra Soul Therapies, I draw on Gestalt psychotherapy and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy to help you notice what’s happening in your thoughts, feelings and body as we talk.
You might tell me something hurt, then smile and say, “Anyway, it’s fine.” We can pause there. What happened just before you smiled? What did you imagine I’d think if you told me how much it mattered? Sometimes those few seconds tell us a lot about how you’ve learnt to get through difficult moments and what you might want to do differently now.
I’m Cath Sully, a psychotherapist and counsellor offering sessions in Albion, Brisbane, and online across Australia. If you’d like to see how it feels to talk with me, you’re welcome to book a free 20-minute discovery call. There’s no obligation to book a session.
Therapist, psychologist in Brisbane online
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